It’s election season in Maldives, which means the corrupt scum politicians are battling it out to win people’s votes to secure a term as a parliamentarian! As is typical for Maldivian elections, the islands are awash in campaign material. There are posters, flags, bunting, and baubles everywhere! You can barely walk half a block in Male without seeing a wannabe majlis member’s campaign poster. What’s different about this election compared to others I’ve seen is the emphasis on posters. Like, these guys have gone hard buying up all the visual real estate in the city. It’s kind of very funny, but also incredibly Maldivian.

In this very serious, hard hitting analysis, I will examine some of these posters and critique them on various factors including their visual appearance, the way they look, their outward form, and their aesthetic appeal. This will allow you, the reader, to determine who, if anyone, is worthy of your vote.

I must stress that this post is indeed very serious, and you should definitely take into consideration everything I say here 100% WITHOUT QUESTION when it comes to deciding who has your vote.

Let us begin.

First we have Mr Imdhaadh. He looks decent, if not slightly unsure about what he’s doing. The white background provides good contrast with his picture, perhaps suggestive of the contrast between a corrupt old parliament, and a non-corrupt new parliament with him in it. We have no way of knowing because the poster doesn’t actually say anything else about him.

Final score: 5/10

This is Aishath Muhammad, who is evidently a supporter of former president Yameen. It’s a clever strategy to use him, a familiar face, to give her credence. We know who Yameen is. And if you don’t know who Aishath Muhammad is, well, Yameen knows who she is. And you trust Yameen, right?

The traditional Faaskuri Hedhun suggests that she is a real Maldivian; one of the people; a far cry from the elitist beyfulhism of other politicians. This is also reflected in the text in the poster, which roughly translates to “the strength of the citizens is certain”.

Once again, the use of contrast here is genius. It suggests that whole “continuity with change” thing that politicians go crazy about. For example, her red compared to the muted purple background. Genius, I tell you.

Final Score: 6/10

Next we have Alaika, going for a more modern look, suggestive of a new, younger, progressive generation entering politics and ditching the old ways of doing things. The blue colour says “I’m approachable”, while that necklace adds a subtle hint of “but you better not cross me, bitch”, giving an overall look of confidence and knowing-what-you’re-doing. So overall…Alaika…I like ‘er…do you?

Final Score: 75%

This is Ahmad Aamir. Does the MDP yellow suggest a new dawn in politics? Or a piss poor effort at governing a country? The scales logo suggest equality and democracy, but the way he’s subtly flashing his watch tells me that he only wants to appeal to the rich elites. Also notice how his poster completely dominates the other small one next to it? Again screaming “Look at me, I HAVE MONEY!!” Not a great look, Aamir. Perhaps you should rectify this so that come election time, the balance is in your favour.

Final Score: 214 Rufiyaa

Now we have Aminath Hassan, a teacher capitalising on her connections to the citizens from her inherently people-focused job, by using her friendly-sounding teacher-moniker “Ainthu miss”. That’s not a politician! That’s a teacher! We’ve all had teachers. Teachers know things. Maybe even political things. She must be good. Look at how she’s staring off into a brighter future!

However, she loses marks because look at those massive blocks of text! No one has the time, energy, or critical literacy skills to read all of that. She might have some great ideas, but to really spread them to the people, it might be better to condense them into some memorable TL;DR tiktoks no longer than 12 seconds.

Final Score: B+

Here we have Aishath Nahula, about whom I know nothing, apart from the fact that she has connections to good typographers who can write her name real pretty. Maybe the scenes behind her are from her colourful past, meaning that if she is elected, we will have an equally colourful future.

Final Score: 🌈

Next there’s Abdullah Rifaau, a.k.a. Bochey. Once again, I have no idea what he stands for and apparently, neither does he. The picture he decided to use for his poster looks like he just happened to be in the studio that day and some guy asked him “do you want to be a politician?” and he was all like “yeah ok I guess”.

Final Score: Meh out of Blah

This is 🎺🎺🎺ABDUL MAJEED MUSHARRAF ABDUL RAZZAQ 🎺🎺🎺, once again for MDP. Now, with a name that exudes such grandeur, I’m surprised and somewhat disappointed that he opted for a more casual look. Like, hands in pockets?? Paatey-esque hair down?? Uninspiring tagline (“I’m ready to bring good changes to Villimale”)?? Clearly 🎺🎺🎺ABDUL MAJEED MUSHARRAF ABDUL RAZZAQ 🎺🎺🎺is going for that “politician next door” vibe. Like, you could rely on him. He’ll have your back.

He did have another poster with a more polished look. But not so polished as to alienate him from his potential voters:

Final Score: 🎺🎺🎺

This is Ali Nasir, or Ayya. The fist says “fight the power!” but the face says “Maybe later, idk…” I’ll give him extra points for the catchy but mysterious slogan “A smart way for the district!”

Final Score: ✊😑

Now here’s a man who just exudes cool. If people were to vote based solely on the poses in campaign posters (which they don’t, but they really should, since it’s actually the most important thing), Ahmad Sameer over here would win by a landslide. Ayya should take notes. This is how you show confidence, commitment, and a connection to the people. Like, when most older people try to connect to a younger audience, it reeks of backward-chair-sitting, how-do-you-do-fellow-kids cringe. But this guy could throw out some of that Gen Alpha slang like a true rizzler bruh frfr skibidi pizza tower no cap, and it would work.

Also, apparently, he’s committed to “truth, equality and justice”, according to the poster, which is good, but it was hard to notice with him being so cool and everything.

Final Score: ސްޓިކް އައުޓް ޔޯ ގްޔަޓް

This is Ifhaam Hussain, or Ifu, who is doing that very incredibly politiciany thing of not telling you about the good things she could do, and instead telling you about the bad things other politicians would do, (in this case taking away housing). Like, yeah, you go girl, be the lesser of multiple evils! At least the poster looks nice.

Final Score: She doesn’t get a score, but like -8 for everyone else.

This is Nadhira. Above is one small poster of her in Malé.

These are two small posters of her in Hulhumale.

Here’s a larger poster of her, standing out prominently against the posters of inferior people.

Here are several of her posters hanging on a street in Malé.

And there she is again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, near the Sinamale Bridge.

And here she is once more, projected onto a building.

Nadhira is everywhere. Like, actually everywhere. Like, other’s might have one big billboard but this lady has several small posters, pamphlets, flags, bunting, everything, all throughout the city. There’s no escaping her. She is watching your every move. She can read your mind. She knows more about you than you do. You will not forget her. And if you don’t vote for her, she will not forget you. That hashtag #CleanUpMajlis? Do you know what she’s cleaning up? The blood of her enemies.

Final Score: 10/10 A++ 100% Please don’t hurt me.

Conclusion

Elections are an important part of the democratic process, so it’s very important that voters understand the important factors they should consider when deciding who will represent them. I hope my serious and impartial journalism has helped you to understand the importance of the clothing, colour palettes, poses and overall photogenicness of your potential elected representatives. In the end, it’s all up to you. Vote wisely.

For the love of God, vote wisely.